Direction

In Joshua Harris' book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I highly recommend, even though I am not even mentioning the main ideas in the book in this post), one of the things he talks about is the difference between thinking of something as a line not to cross versus thinking of that same concept more as a direction. Specifically in avoidance of sin (or, more aptly put, pursuance of holiness), this speaks of the difference between trying to not put a toe across that line (not fall into some certain specific act of sin), while actually trying to get as close to the line as possible, and trying to stay as far away as possible from sin and the appearance of sin and, yes, even the temptation to sin.

Applying the idea more broadly than simply thinking about things that are definitively bad for us to do, this can be about our lifestyle, our everyday choices, our overall directional choices that determine our future. I've been thinking a lot lately about the direction of my life. I'm wondering where it's leading me, or, more accurately, where my choices are leading it. Am I going where I want to be going? Are the things that I am engaged in now leading me towards the skills, the knowledge, the character, the lifestyle that I want to have?

Years ago, I was sure what I wanted to do--maybe not for all my life, but for the next few years at least. I had a starting plan, but I wasn't sure what the long-term plan was. With a few small unexpected things that have happened along the way, I am still pretty much on the path that I set myself on then. But somewhere, somehow, something went wrong, and I'm thinking about changing direction.

Why? I can't explain why very well, although I've been trying--to myself, to other people. I have been struggling with a sense of dissatisfaction and discontentment with where I am and what I am doing. Not only because it's hard, even though it is. Not only because I am afraid of certain things that I see coming up down the path, even though I am. Not for these reasons alone, but because I cannot justify to myself why I am on this path. I couldn't justify it very well when I started on it either, but I thought I should pursue it anyway, and I am not sorry that I did, because I have learned a lot and pursued a lot of worthwhile things. Thing is, I'm losing my conviction that it is what I should still be pursuing. I would have thought I would have a justification by now, but I would be OK with going on without that, if I still felt certain it was the path that God wanted me to keep following.

Lacking in peace, lacking in a sense of wisdom about the priorities of my life, lacking contentment in who I am and what I am doing with my life right now, I have been praying and asking my friends to pray for me for the peaceable and gentle wisdom that comes from above that James writes about under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. I am surprised and a little frightened at the changes to which I think that peace may well be leading me, but I am going to keep seeking that wisdom and trusting that God will lead me where He wants me to go.

Balance

Sometimes I like to say that I maintain balance by being unbalanced in different ways from day to day. What I mean by that is if A, B, C, and D are various projects or things I am working on (or sometimes, sleeping and eating are items also treated in this manner), then one day I neglect A and B to focus on C and D, then the next few days maybe do the opposite, and just keeping juggling everything around so that nothing gets completely dropped, but I get to maintain a certain level of sanity by not committing 100% to every item every day (what my sizable super-responsible side would prefer, but my reasonably realistic side realizes is not actually quite possible). I don't know how truly accurate a description this is of the way a live my life, but there is definitely an element of truth to it and, truth be told, I like it that way. I would rather be balanced by being unbalanced in a creative way than by, well, actually being balanced.

"Balanced" and "stable" for me are words that actually have connotations of "boring." Perhaps that means I'm a little bit crazy, but it also means I'd rather be a little bit crazy. Only a little bit, though, because I would also like to maintain partial sanity. I don't want to be the same person in the same mood with the same behavior every day. I don't want to be completely unemotional in my reactions to life. But I also want to be responsible and trustworthy, and I want to be able to maintain a certain level of composure before other people (not that I never let myself lose composure in front of my friends).

Oddly, these aren't the meanings of the word "balance" that I really meant to write about. You see, there is one sense of the word in which I very much want it, rather than wanting to achieve balance by not having it or only achieve it to a certain point. This sense might be a little harder for me to explain. I want to have balance in "input" versus "output". I don't mean give and take in relationships (not that that's a bad thing), and I don't mean working on productive things versus taking refreshing leisure time (also not a bad thing, and somewhat related to what I mean). I mean the difference between reading a book and writing it. The difference between studying and writing in my diary. The difference between listening to music and playing it. Consumption versus creativity.

I have to have balance between these two, or I'm not right on the inside. If my life goes too heavily on the "input" side, it isn't good for my ability to keep going with it. I feel like there isn't any room left in my brain for more. I feel stifled. I feel out of touch with what's going on in my own mind and heart. So I have to go write in my diary, or write a poem, or write a blog post, or play music in a creative and expressive way (something that doesn't always happen if I'm playing music because I have to), before I can go back to the other things.

Of course, I can go far enough in the other direction that I need a break from that, too. If I've written or played myself out, I can feel exhausted, depleted, not have enough in me for one more line or phrase. And then I want to go read, or have a long conversation with someone about something completely unrelated.

And that, my friends, is my explanation for why I am posting on this blog today, even though it would be very easy to make the argument that I do not have time.

More than Enough

Do you ever think that if you say something about your experience out loud enough times, it will become true? I'm not talking about trying to lie to other people, but proclaiming something spiritually about yourself until you actually experience it instead of just know that you ought to.

"Jesus, You are more than enough for me," proclaim so many songs and things Christians say. I sing them, because I know it ought to be true. In a fundamental sense, it is true, because Jesus in His person is indeed more than sufficient to satisfy my every need. I know it, so I say it, but that doesn't mean that that's always what I am experiencing from my limited, overly emotional perspective.

"I am satisfied in You," I want to say to Him. But often, I don't mean it. His person alone, I think wrongly to myself, is not enough to satisfy me. First, I need Him to give me this and satisfy that desire.

But that's not what being satisfied in Him means. And then I wonder, if I can't be satisfied in Him now, why do I think I will be later, after He answers this one wish? If I don't learn what it means to be satisfied in His person rather than what I think He can give me in this life, I never will be satisfied.

Ironically, some of the times when have felt most satisfied lately are not the times when I am denying the existence of the deepest desires of my heart that have yet to be fulfilled (denying my own feelings or thinking that they must be wrong or unimportant tends to be a tempting path for me, but I don't believe it's the right one--our deepest desires are often placed there by God for a purpose), but when I admit them to my Father and start asking Him to fulfill them. The satisfaction isn't in a knowledge of when or how or in some ways if that desire is going to be answered, but in knowing that He hears me, that He understands, that He cares, and in the sense that I get in those moments that He is working to answer that need, that He has a plan for what will happen in that area of my life and it is good.

Image

Self-image. Self-worth. Identity.

Which is to say, how do we look at ourselves? Why or how much do we value or not value ourselves? How do we define ourselves?

Can we be satisfied in who we are, right now, without depending on some outside support or affirmation that may or may not come in the way that we want it to?

Genesis 1:26-31 says that God created man (i.e. the human race) in His own image. He blessed them (us), and instructed them to be fruitful and increase and fill the earth. And He "saw all that He had made [including but not limited to the human race], and behold, it was very good." In other words, He was satisfied with His work in creating us.

If we are made in the image of God, what more affirmation could we need? Yes, we as a race and as individuals screwed up. We fell short. But still, here we are, created in the image of God. And He loved us enough to send His only begotten Son (John 3:16), "Who is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power." (Hebrews 1:3) This Son paid the penalty for our disobedience and rebellion, and in Him we can be reconciled to God and renewed in fellowship with Him.

That means a renewal of identity for those who are in Christ--an identity not defined by the mistakes we have made, by the people who surround us, by the activities that we are involved in, or by the recognition that we receive or fail to receive from the world. We certainly didn't and couldn't do anything to deserve this newness and cleanness. That doesn't make it any less our true identity. God is perfectly capable of saving the most twisted and broken and reprehensible people and turning them into true Sons and Daughters of His. That's what Jesus died for.

Humble Things

A part of a prayer that Jesus prayed while He was on Earth in the flesh reads like this:

"I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants." (Matthew 11:25)

In another place we are told that "God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God." (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)

God values things differently than we do. The things that we see as being the humblest or the most useless may be the very things He is planning to use for His glory. He tells us that we must be like children in order to enter into His kingdom (Mark 10:13-16). Yet we worry about silly things such as our dignity, our reputation, whether or not we appear strong and wise to others.

In this season of giving, what is the best gift? The biggest one? The one that cost the most money? The one most likely to impress the recipient with the generosity of the giver?

The greatest gift of all was another mouth to feed for a poor family. The greatest gift of all was bought by the pain of a woman in labor and the obedience of a Son to be humbled as a human baby. That obedience would later lead Him to pay the greatest Cost in a painful and humiliating death. The greatest gift of all was given entirely with the recipients in mind, without regard to the Cost to the Giver.

We try to make it all so complicated with our guilt and selfishness and worldly minds. What does Jesus want from us except to follow Him? What does God want from us except to love Him and to love our neighbor? What does He want from us except our love, our obedience, our trust, our selves? What does He want to give us but His love and His best?

This Christmas, may you and your family be given to God and may all be blessed by it. Merry Christmas!

Letting Go

Here's something I've been thinking about for awhile, for all you fellow control freaks out there.

Is there something in your life that you've been frustrating yourself about, beating your head against the proverbial brick wall, futilely trying to "fix"? Is it something that you actually can make happen through perseverance, effort, and skill, or are you pitting yourself against something that you can't actually do anything about?

Have you been frequently unnecessarily angry, annoyed, and frustrated with yourself and those around you without a readily apparent reason? Do you know why? Is there something specific eating you, such as bad news or a difficult task, or are you stressed about the fact that you aren't in complete control of your life and you can't make everything perfect?

Yes, I'm describing myself. Here's a line I wrote in a conversation with my mom: sometimes we should give up on things that are not going to work.

Example: due in part to a childhood obsession with the book Melisande, by E. Nesbit, I've always wanted to have really long hair. I mean really long hair; waist length, for sure, if I could have more I might want more. For years I've been in the process of attempting to grow thick, healthily-looking waist-length hair. It's not going to happen for me, though; everybody's hair has a certain point past which it will not grow and still be full and healthy, and mine is only a little below my shoulders. Boo hoo! So, I finally gave up and cut it above my shoulders, declaring that, okay, I was never going to have lovely waist-length hair, and therefore I needed to figure out something that I could do that I would like. Now, I think that was one of the best decisions I've ever made; it looks nice, it's ridiculously more convenient, and I'm finally content with the hair that I have!

Now, if only I would start applying that in other areas of my life . . .

Stillness

Sometimes the pace of life is too fast. Sometimes all that needs to be done in what seems like so little time is overwhelming, sometimes even friends and fun and a busy cafeteria all seem like so much extra noise. Peace is something that I often find hard to come by, and I think sometimes, finding it again is as simple as being still and quiet until my thoughts and feelings have had time to settle themselves.

Be still, and know that He is God. Do I think that I don't have time to pray? It's always a lie. Do I have time to talk to my friends? Do I have time to listen to my teachers? Do I have time to check my e-mail? Then I have time to pray. If the voice of God is still and small, then I need to be still to hear it. I need to take the time to be still.

Trusting in God, truly trusting in Him by being at peace with where He has me right now, is hard for me. My internal panic button can be hit very easily sometimes. Is there something I can do to change that? I think so. I think taking the time to be with Him and remember Who He is regularly could be one of the smartest things I could do.

I've been a Christian all my life, even a Christian of the reading the Bible every day type all my life. But there's a difference between a five-minute rush through a chapter (not that that's not worth something!) and actually taking the time to be still in the presence of God, to tell Him what's on my mind, to pay attention to what I read in His Word. Occasionally, I have a spurt where I do take that time regularly, and it helps so much. I seem to take a long time to learn my lesson.

Something from the Word:

Do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: "He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"? But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

James 4:5-10

ps a note on the part in those verses about being miserable and so on: in the context, it is clear that this is written towards people who are having a problem with worldliness, lust, envy, etc. In other words, these are instructions to a particular group of people at a particular time and should not be applied unless applicable. It should be noted that there are other verses in the Bible that tell Christians to rejoice.