Why?

We all have a lot of questions that begin in "why." Some of them are big: Why did this happen to me? Why didn't I get what I was expecting? Why do I believe in God? Why do I exist? Some of them smaller: Why don't I have a facebook? More importantly to me, why does society at large think I should I get one, and why should that matter to me? And, at the moment, why am I blogging?

Sometimes, we try to answer these questions. People come up with explanations for the big questions involving things like free will, providence, and the fall of mankind. They give rationalizations for their decisions: I don't have a facebook because I don't like socializing on the internet (preferred methods: face to face, or not at all. e-mail and phone, when necessary), because I'm not looking for ways to waste time when I could be practicing or studying. And yet, I think everyone sometimes does things for which they have no good explanation. For instance, this blog. Is it because we've had a lot of snow days, so I've had way too much time to think? Or is this something I've been thinking about doing for a long time, feeling as if God was pushing me towards it, but I was reluctant because I couldn't think of a reason why?

For me, a lot of the big questions also have no concrete, compact, neat, rational, simple answer. Providence as an explanation for everything? Free will and the fall of mankind as an explanation for everything bad that happens, but the intervention of God as what makes those things to have good consequences for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose? Some strange combination of the will of men, the will of the devil and the will of God that our brains are far too puny to understand? I don't have an answer. My answer is: God is good. In the face of everything I don't understand, that's all I have to say that I know is true.

It's not that I don't want an explanation for the things that happen. It's just that--whatever it is that God is asking of other people--I think He is asking me, primarily, to trust Him more than I do, to trust Him with a faith that is simple and humble and knows nothing but His goodness. He's not asking me to do that because it's easy for me, but because it's hard. I'm the kind of person who wants to know everything and understand everything, to always know what is going on and what to expect. I don't. God wants to give me peace anyway, and the only way to find it is by trusting Him and giving everything up to Him and being content with the knowledge He gives me.

And that's why I'm blogging. Because I've thought for a long time that God wants me to speak up on the internet, but I've never figured out why or what about. I've finally decided to just jump in and hope that He will somehow use me, even if I don't understand it.