Thursday, December 29, 2011


Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 
Hebrews 13:8
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
James 1:17

Have I mentioned that I don't like change? (Oh, only every other time I write or so.)

This has been a year of change for me . . . of adjusting and re-adjusting, and changing my mind, and getting caught in weird cycles that don't seem to end, wondering who I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do, and not coming anywhere near figuring it out, because I have a different idea every time I think I might know, or because half my ideas are unlikely and the other half unpleasant . . . or because I don't have any ideas that day.

I feel like I'm not good enough at what I want to be good enough at, or that I don't even know what I want to be good at, or that I will never be good enough at anything. I feel like everything I really want is something I can't have, or something that I am afraid would actually make me miserable--and I can't decide if I'd be more miserable with it or without it--

I feel like my dreams got taken away and haven't been replaced yet.

I feel like I must be a terrible, ungrateful, jealous person or I would not feel all these things.

And yet somehow, I know that God is good and that He loves me. And that even amidst all this change within and around me, He has remained constant.

I don't normally care for the practice of posting big chunks of song lyrics divorced from the music, but I want to end on this note. I wrote this song in late October of this year:

To You I bring
my longing heart
To You I bring
my desire

To You I bring
my aching heart
The questions I
cannot answer

You see me whole
in all my secrets
You hold my world
inside Your hands

And yet You love
me through it all
I trust in You
to be steadfast

You know what I
cannot yet know
Please guide me through
This confusion

You see me whole
in all my secrets
You hold my world
inside Your hands